New York and I are friends again.

I fled the city on Friday, wanting never to return. It was a rough week. Even taking a mental health day on Tuesday didn't help. I drove to DC with a couple of friends to get some fresh air and leave my worries behind. Sometimes I imagine that my worries are quite intense and impossible to deal with. It usually only takes a weekend away to realize that my life isn't as pathetic and unmanageable as I'd imagined.

I had actually planned to go down for the cherry blossom festival (sakura matsuri if you will) at the end of March. I missed it by a week or so in 2005, and then completely the next two years. This is after missing it for two straight years in Japan. This was my year. But things didn't work out as I'd planned. The best of the blossoms happened two weeks ago and by the time the sun came out on Saturday the rain (and when I say rain, I mean torrential downpours) had washed away whatever was left. I should have broken my heart. That just means I'll have to stick around the east coast for another year. Next year will DEFINITELY be my year. The good news was the 77 degree temperatures we had on Saturday. It was beautiful!

One fabulous bonus of the trip was being able to see Cheryl and Gavin again. Cheryl and I were roommates 3 different times in Provo, the last time being just before she got married and I moved to Chicago. We hadn't actually seen each other since then. It was so good to spend some time with them. We had some good times remembering the Liberty Square/Chatsworth days.

I was a little pensive on the drive back to nyc. All weekend I kept on wondering why I lived there instead of DC or any other place that has clean air and vegetation. I was also drawn again to the buildings and my desire to go to architecture school sounded better and better. As I arrived home, refreshed but not at all excited about the prospect of teaching the next day, I grew in my resolve that this would be my last year. I would hold on for 9 more weeks and then be done with it. Then I went to bed late, overslept the next morning, got to school late and unprepared not having graded anything over the weekend. I seriously considered calling out again, but I couldn't come up with a convincing enough reason; even for myself.

Once I got to school I was calm. Not calm-before-the-storm calm, but just at peace. My students were no less annoying or obnoxious than they usually are. They were loud and disrespectful. Then, in a last ditch effort to try to get a particularly difficult girl to comply to the school's rules, I asked her to stay after class. She rolled her eyes and told me she wouldn't. I thought about blocking the door so she couldn't leave without talking to me, but I honestly didn't have the energy. We've "talked" before and it rarely does any good. Write-ups don't do any good either. Anyway, I thought she would just walk out, but asked her one more time to please stay so we could talk. She stopped and plopped down in a desk, sighing (i've really come to hate sighs). After the other students left I sat across from her and asked her what was up? It didn't occur to me until that moment that she might have some stuff going on at home. I've called home but had never gotten any kind of response from parents. And I'm embarrassed to admit that she's just been another overindulged adolescent in my eyes. I asked if she was going through something at home and she nodded. I'm sitting here trying to come up with the right words to describe the conversation. I was compassionate. I'm generally a compassionate person, but my compassion has failed me for the last few weeks. Maybe I've failed it. Either way, I remembered my lesson that kind words work better. She started to cry and I realized again that my job as a teacher doesn't just entail math lessons. I asked her if there was anything I could do to help her. She shook her head. She was just sitting there with tears running down her cheeks and it was kind of breaking my heart. I asked her if she needed a hug. She nodded. It was so sad. She just needs to know that someone cares. I really do like these kids. And the feeling of connecting with them is awesome. The days when real communication happens are my very favorite days.

So, as it stands, (and just as I predicted) Monday was good so, if you ask me right now, I'm coming back next year.